Christmas is approaching. There is a lot of stress associated at this time of the year that is associated with the giving and receiving of gifts. I have not found this to be the case. In my experience it is only the “giving” part that has been the cause of many headaches. So, this year, I have listed what I would like to receive for Christmas. I will give too, but throughout the New Year, at a leisurely pace, when the time, opportunity, a gift, a person and the Mars are in perfect alignment.

This Christmas, I would like to be able to say “Merry Christmas,” without the fear of offending anyone.

I would like for God to give me a boon, where the thought of smoking a cigarette will never tempt me anymore. (Visualizing myself as the Buddha sitting deep in meditation, while girls are dancing around me is beginning to wear thin).

I would like for Amar, Akbar, Anthony to be telecast worldwide with excellent subtitling. And I would want people to enjoy themselves first and think later.

I wish to be able to run a marathon, pausing only to wave and swirl (not gurgle) water in my mouth in an extremely dignified manner for TV cameras.

I wish that the George Bush's cable TV bills and Osama Bin Laden's telephone charges run so high for the next one year that they do not have time to think of anything else, but the next paycheck.

I wish that I win a raffle prize for an aeroplane ticket for Sri Lanka , Nepal or Costa Rica . I also wish that the prize is “Vacation for one” (and not for two), so that I do not appear like a silly ass without a girlfriend to accompany me.

I wish that a DJ gives me non stop training on thirty hours of training on how to mix music.

I also wish that the next time I am at Best Buy, I do not have to say in a hurt manner, “Why do you say, ‘We are with you' and smile so much in you advertisements?” I also wish that I have just enough money, so that I do not have to feel like I have to check out prices at Best Buy before buying items.

I wish that in the upcoming Test Series in Australia , Sachin Tendulkar scores 381 runs in Brisbane , while India escapes honorably with a narrow draw.

I wish that leftist political columnists begin to acknowledge that the strong will always try to dominate the weak. Then people might begin to take them seriously.

I do not wish anything for conservatives at all.

I wish that Amitabh Bachchan and Al Pacino act in one movie next year like normal human beings, so that that they might again inspire a whole new era of armchair gangsters.

I also wish that I never see Amitabh Bachchan, Michael Jordan or Bob Dylan as mere mortals on account of their frailties.

I wish I can find out how to manipulate the Info button on my cable remote so that text scrolls up and down, enabling me to read the entire description.

I know that I will finish writing my novel. I wish that I can edit it at least three times and confidently submit it to a publisher.

I also wish that I have a rich uncle or a friend of a friend who can get my novel published easily, so that I do not have to do much running around.

I wish that a citizen of Japan becomes a very good friend of mine, to a point where we can take each other for granted. Even the smallest advantage of such a union would be immense. Imagine, one can have miso soup before eating Indian curry without an atmosphere of fuss or strife.

I would like to finish reading the entire works of Nabokov and Dostoevesky and retain all the good parts in my mind for inspiration and subtle plagiarizing.

I wish that Bombay become clean again, so that it looks again like the scenes of Kishore Kumar driving around in Chalti ka Naam Gaadi. Nothing, except for the wonderful songs, should be out of place.

I wish that Indians stop clamoring so much to be recognized by the west. I would much rather that Westerners automatically look to India for jobs. And I hope that people like Chidanand Rajghatta resign from the Times of India, so that it can take one step towards retaining its former credibility.

On this note, I also hope that Indians stop sighing contentedly when George Bush looks at us with a favoring glance. That is the role Michelle Pfeiffer and Preity Zinta should play.

Also I want to run into David Letterman and something extremely clever on the spot. After a few days, on TV I should hear him say, “You know Paul, I met this extremely bright man…”

I wish that a law is passed that prohibits inefficient non-profits from painting ghastly stories about the countries they work in. All they do is scare away private investment, which is so necessary for job creation.

I wish that people stop sending cards saying, "Here is wishing to world peace" or "May you have all the perfumes and liquors of Arabia at your feet." Cards should be more realistic, so that people might believe in them and draw hope. They should say instead, "Hope your cellular phone company starts offering anytime minutes at 5:00 p.m." or "Hope that you stop drinking so much so that your children will love you again."

Lastly, I wish to be able to sit cross legged. This will allow me to meditate, attend South Indian weddings and ghazal concerts without a feeling of trepidation.

That is all I wish for. But if anyone out there feels that these are stupid wishes and that they would much rather help me settle my credit card bills, I have no objections to that.

Really.

top

© COPYRIGHT 2002-2012 Arun Krishnan